


Voca Me cum Benedictus

by blue_pointer



Series: A Glorious Retelling [5]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: After the Briarwoods, Angst and Romance, Don't copy to another site, Free Will, Gilmore to the rescue, Gilmore's lair, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I live and die upon your desire, Kissing, Love Letters, M/M, Metallic Dragon!Gilmore, Protective dragon mode activate, Vampire Bites, Vaxmore, a hint of citrus, when you forget the one you love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:21:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26334793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_pointer/pseuds/blue_pointer
Summary: After Vax gets bitten by Lord Briarwood, his world turns dark. Something is missing, but he can't remember what it is.Lucky for Vax, there's nothing like metallic dragonfire to burn out the darkness.
Relationships: Shaun Gilmore/Vax'ildan
Series: A Glorious Retelling [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1975831
Comments: 12
Kudos: 72





	Voca Me cum Benedictus

_Don’t worry,_ the soft growl sounded in his ear. _You look delicious._

Vax awoke with a start, drenched in sweat. Instinctively, he reached up to touch his wounds, but they were wrapped beneath the glissfoil poultice Brother Tristan had made for him. He had a perverse urge to peel it back so that he could see the bite marks Sylas had left there. But for once, Vax resisted. 

He sat up, careful not to wake Vex, who continued to snore softly in the middle of the bed where they’d fallen asleep curled together. At the edge of the mattress, Trinket’s soft brown eyes watched him with concern. “It’s alright,” Vax whispered to him. “Don’t worry about me, buddy.” He reached out to scratch Trinket’s head and took his time, focusing on the comforting feel of coarse fur between his fingers. It helped a little. 

But Vax was still restless. It didn’t feel right to sleep here, warm and safe in the keep. He felt...unclean. There was something inside him that just didn’t belong here anymore. Maybe **he** didn’t belong here anymore. It wasn’t a thought that surprised Vax; it was almost expected. Part of him had always known there would come a day that he didn’t belong anymore, Vax just hadn’t expected it to come like this. 

With one last pat to Trinket, he slid out the window and pulled himself up to the roof, where he began to balance across the eaves, waiting for the fog to clear from his mind. But it wouldn’t. Giving up, he climbed to the top of Percy’s orrery watchtower. Sitting on the roof, holding his knees, Vax did his best to let go of the dark thoughts gathered inside him. He waited, just like that, until he could watch the sunrise, at which point Vax felt marginally better. He still felt wan, and Vax couldn’t shake the feeling that the world had lost its color, or perhaps he the ability to see it. 

When he heard the comforting sounds of Laina beginning to prepare breakfast downstairs, Vax climbed back inside, padding down to the kitchen to sit by the fire, trying to force some sense of normalcy back into his bones. 

By the time the others were awake, normalcy was slowly beginning to set in. Vax took comfort in the familiar chaos of their group dynamic; it was something to hold onto. There was briefly a plot to uncover Percy in bed with the tiefling, and Vax watched how that seemed to upset his twin sister more than it perhaps should have. He filed it away for later. Vax wasn’t up to teasing Vex about it, not today.

In spite of being put on trial later that morning, and having to volunteer for the Inquisition to prove Vox Machina’s innocence, the rest of the day turned out quite moonificently. So much so that when Vax lay down to sleep that night, it was in his own room, feeling a great deal better. 

And yet...the dreams returned. There had to be some way to get their influence out of his psyche, Vax thought. He went to the temple of Sarenrae the next day, where he asked Brother Tristan for a pendant. Surely, if anyone could dispel this darkness, it was She. And, well, if not, wearing it made him feel closer to Pike while she was away. 

Vax spent the rest of the day busying himself with errands for the group. On a hunch, he took Clarota’s helmet to Gilmore’s Glorious Goods to find out if it might be of any use in the coming battle. Vax had no desire to be mind-controlled by vampires; he’d honestly had his fill of their influence, and was keen to find any means of preventing it from happening again. 

One odd thing about going to Gilmore’s...Vax hadn’t thought of Gilmore once since the feast. It was strange. Thoughts of Gilmore usually cheered him up immensely. Yet now, in the hollow, colorless world Vax inhabited since being bitten, thoughts of Gilmore left him cold. He might have analyzed it to find out why, but Vax found he just didn’t care very much. 

And it was irrelevant, for once again, Gilmore was not in his shop when Vax asked for him. This time Vax chose not to leave a note, neither did Sherri offer to send a message. Clearly it was not meant to be. Perhaps Vax had merely misremembered how things had gone the last time. Besides, his thoughts were so hazy...was there something between Gilmore and himself? Had that been real, or a dream? 

Well, it didn’t matter. He’d come to find out about the helmet, and Sherri was able to help him. Vax hadn’t even needed to see Gilmore. So why did he feel so disappointed as he left the store?

*

Assum’s letter arrived by courier, days after it had been sent. Gilmore brandished a letter opener of gold, emerald, and ruby he carried for just such occasions, and unsealed it with a flourish over his morning coffee. 

_Peace Be Upon You My Brother,_

_Things in Emon are not as they should be. Our young heroes are accused of conspiring against state interests. I am away with work for some time. You may care to check in on your moon._

_Go With Peace,_

_Assum_

An understatement from Assum was like a clarion trumpet from anyone else. Gilmore returned to Emon in a moment, his coffee left steaming on the tray in Westruun. He brushed the beaded curtain aside impatiently as he stepped into the shop. “Sir?” Sherri asked, clearly surprised to see him as she set about opening the store for the day. 

But Gilmore could stomach no pleasantries right now. A feeling of foreboding was growing in his guts. “Vax’ildan. Have you seen him?” 

The nervous look as she paused told him everything he needed to know. “He...didn’t leave a message this time--”

“When?” Gilmore gripped her shoulder, perhaps harder than he should have, because she winced. 

“Just yesterda--” 

“Nevermind.” Letting go of her, Gilmore disappeared back into his room. A visit to the shop meant they were either preparing to leave or they’d just returned. And as he’d personally entertained Vax just days ago, the former was more likely. 

There was no time. Gilmore hurriedly tied his braids back with a silk ribbon and drew out his scrying mirror. 

*

After another night of restless sleep, Vax convinced himself that giving up sleep altogether would be easier. And not sleeping might just work out; he still needed to find Kynan. Vax owed the kid an apology, not to mention the three decent daggers for which he’d sold his soul to Gilmore.

Brushing aside thoughts of Gilmore, Vax set about keeping watch over the butcher shop. For in his experience, if you watched a single place for long enough, you would find the person you were looking for. Little did Vax know he was not the only one watching. 

Embarrassingly, he fell asleep on his watch that very first night. Or at least, Vax thought he did. In his dream, Sylas’ grip on him didn’t feel quite so frightening, and when Vax awoke, he found himself in a large, well-appointed bed. 

He blinked tired eyes, trying to get his bearings. The heavy smell of perfumed wood chips combined with subtle hints of crocus flowers answered his question before Vax’s eyes could adjust to the dim light of the room. He was at Gilmore’s. 

“Gilmore?” Vax glanced around the room, but couldn’t see him. He did see a large hearth, though, which confused him. There was no fireplace in Gilmore’s bedroom; Vax would definitely have remembered that. 

“Here.” Vax watched Gilmore kneel down at his side and proffer a polished brass teacup. “Drink this,” he said, carefully holding it to Vax’s lips. Though it was a little embarrassing to be catered to like this, Vax was grateful, because he suddenly felt weak as a kitten. He drank as much of the sweet milk tea as he could manage without gagging. 

“It’s spicy,” he complained, when Gilmore withdrew the cup, wiping the dribble of liquid from Vax’s beardless chin. 

“It will help,” Gilmore said gently. He set the teacup on a matching brass saucer with intricate, hand-tooled scrollwork, placing both off to the side of the bed. Then Gilmore crossed his legs in the peculiar way Vax had seen other Marquesians do, sitting on the rug by the bed and looking up at him. 

His gaze made Vax feel nervous and a little guilty. When Gilmore proceeded to observe him in silence for whole minutes that felt like hours, Vax wanted to crawl out of his skin. What had he done wrong? He couldn’t even remember. “What?” The look in Gilmore’s eyes was intense. And for once, he didn’t seem happy. It was unnerving to see the eternally jovial man so serious. “What is it?” 

“Do you remember me?” Gilmore asked softly. 

“Wha--of course I do!” Vax reached for his hand. By the light of the fire, his fingers looked bone-white against Gilmore’s dark skin. His hands were so warm, Vax instinctively wrapped his cold fingers around Gilmore’s in an attempt to get warm. Vax hadn’t even realized he was cold before now.

“Tell me,” Gilmore said. “Who am I to you?” 

“Well, you’re--you’re Gilmore!” Vax stammered. “ _You_ know... There can be only one.” 

For a moment, Gilmore almost smiled. “So true.” And then, a brief pause. “Is that all?” 

“W--no!’ Vax was insistent...about something. He felt very strongly. But about what? Vax turned to Gilmore for the answer, and found the man’s expression more sad than he would have imagined that cheerful face could ever be. “What’s wrong?” he asked, reaching out to catch one of Gilmore’s thick braids, strong as silk but soft as down between his fingers. Vax almost had it--the elusive thought was right on the tip of his brain. 

“Does it still hurt?” Gilmore asked, gripping Vax’s cold fingers more tightly. 

Vax had to think about it. He reached up to the wounds on his throat and realized for the first time he was lying here naked. In Gilmore’s room, naked. Something not right about that. He should feel embarrassed...shouldn’t he? “No,” Vax said, touching the scars absently. “Not anymore.” 

With his grip on Vax’s hand, Gilmore tugged Vax into his lap. He was strong. Stronger than Vax would have guessed--which was strange, because he remembered Gilmore lifting him over the counter that time, before their--

“Date. We went on a date,” Vax remembered. He turned to look up at Gilmore and realized that Gilmore was naked, too. But that didn’t make Vax feel embarrassed. 

Without speaking, Gilmore nodded affirmation to his question. 

“Do I...love you?” It was definitely a question. Vax wasn’t sure why he couldn’t seem to remember. This had to be a dream. Things like forgetting how you felt about someone only happened in dreams. 

“What the truth is...I can’t say anymore.” Gilmore’s voice sounded strange. “I thought I knew...I’d hoped…” His voice faltered. 

Vax felt he owed Gilmore some kind of explanation. “They...he bit me,” he offered weakly. Gilmore reached forward to stroke Vax’s cheek with the back of his fingers. It was a touch that felt familiar, but Vax didn’t understand how. He couldn’t remember Gilmore touching him like this before.

“Their influence is still inside you,” Gilmore explained softly. 

“But I don’t want it inside me.” Vax cringed, anxiously curling up in Gilmore’s lap. “I don’t want it.” 

Gilmore slid gentle fingers under his jaw, turning Vax to look at him. Vax had a hard time looking Gilmore in the eye, though he did not know the reason; looking at Gilmore made him feel anxious and guilty. 

“Neither do I,” Gilmore said, and rose to his feet, taking Vax with him. “Do you trust me, Vax’ildan?” 

Vax nodded. It made him feel weird to hear Gilmore talk to him this way, unspoken endearments hovering like jewel-toned hummingbirds between them. But Vax still couldn’t say why. 

“Come.” Gilmore set Vax on his feet, and with just a few strides, stepped confidently into the hearth. Vax’s mouth fell open, and he reached for Gilmore as if to stop him. But nothing happened. Gilmore turned to look at him, calmly, a halo of flame surrounding his body. He held out an arm for Vax. “Come to me.” 

Vax ran to Gilmore like his life depended on it. He didn’t have to stop and think about it, and he wasn’t afraid; this couldn’t be real. Gilmore standing in the flames proved this was a dream. And if it was just a dream, it was alright if they were together...wasn’t it? 

Catching him, Gilmore turned so that they were both deep in the roaring fire. Vax could hear the flames crackling in his ear, and he felt warm, but unburned. Not even his long hair had caught fire. In fact, Vax felt better than he had before stepping in. Gilmore leaned down, holding his shoulders, and for a moment, Vax panicked. _No. No_ , that was how Sylas had done.

But it wasn’t. Gilmore bent to kiss Vax on the lips. And Vax found his lips meeting Gilmore’s quite naturally. When they shared breath, it was like Gilmore was exhaling molten lava into his body. Vax could feel it searing all the way down his esophagus, the blinding white glow spreading to the tips of his fingers and toes. He felt impossibly hot, but it didn’t burn. 

And Vax found the more of Gilmore’s flame he swallowed, the more he wanted. He wrapped his arms around Gilmore, molding their bodies together. It felt right. The scars on his neck began to sting, and Vax slapped at them, like mosquito bites. But Gilmore caught his wrists, holding them gently in one shining bronze hand. With the other, he drew his thumb slowly across each of Vax’s scars until the pain was gone. 

Afterwards, Gilmore pressed a kiss to his pulse, and Vax sighed. He wasn’t afraid to be touched anymore. He wasn’t tender, didn’t feel weak or drained. He just felt whole again. As if Gilmore’s fire had scorched his tarnished soul clean. “I love you.” Vax realized, suddenly, what he’d forgotten. 

Gilmore wrapped arms around him, crushing Vax to him, and suddenly Vax understood. “I forgot about you. How could that have happened?” He choked, unable to fathom the pain Gilmore must have felt. “How is that even possible?” 

Gilmore stroked his hair. “There, there. All is forgiven.” Hearing something in his voice, Vax looked up and saw a trail of moisture running down Gilmore’s cheek. In the glow of the fire, it looked like molten gold. Vax reached curious fingers to touch it, and immediately jerked his hand away. Gilmore’s tears _burned_. He couldn’t believe how much it hurt. 

“Careful,” Gilmore warned, bringing Vax’s singed fingers to his lips. He popped them into his mouth, and that somehow helped. Vax’s body slowly relaxed as the pain faded. 

“Stop,” Vax breathed, remembering they were naked. Gilmore kissed his palm, full lips lingering a moment too long before he let go Vax’s hand. Vax took Gilmore’s hand in both of his. “I want to tell you what happened.” He tugged Gilmore’s arm, gently drawing him out of the fire. It was starting to get too hot for Vax’s comfort. 

“But will you cover up first?” Vax asked without turning around. He cast about for a robe or tunic, something to lessen the distraction of Gilmore’s nude body. “If I look at you now, I won’t be able to think.” 

Vax looked back in time to see Gilmore emerge from the hearth, his skin glowing gold with divine radiance, brighter than the firelight in the dim room. Gilmore shrugged into a robe, and the effect was that of clouds dimming the sun; Vax half expected the fabric to burn when it touched Gilmore’s skin. And he found himself instantly missing the light that had shone from Gilmore. Vax watched, disappointed, as his glorious dark skin slowly faded back to a mortal hue. 

“Tell me,” Gilmore said, sitting down at a small round table in the center of the room. He held out his arm for Vax, who, after hurriedly tugging on his briefs, couldn’t get to Gilmore fast enough. Sliding into his lap felt completely natural to Vax now. It was a relief. 

Leaning into Gilmore’s warmth, Vax told him everything of what had happened the night of the feast: the beautiful gown Vex had worn, Percy’s him disguise, the Jenga plan that had gone horribly wrong, and what the Briarwoods had done to him. Vax recounted his last thoughts as he’d lost consciousness that night… And then realized. He hadn’t thought of Gilmore at all. 

“But you’re here now,” Gilmore’s rich voice drew him gently back to the present. He placed a sweet kiss to Vax’s temple. 

“I’m here now,” Vax repeated, snuggling close with both arms wrapped around Gilmore’s neck. 

“I would keep you here forever, if I could,” Gilmore confessed. “But that wouldn’t be fair, would it? For me to hoard you like a precious object?” 

Vax closed his eyes. Part of him wanted it. To stay here, warm and loved and whole... _But where was the adventure in that?_ the other part of him asked. “Can I stay, just for tonight?” he asked Gilmore. “If it doesn’t hurt too much.” 

Gilmore stroked his cheek. “Darling boy, it only hurts when you’re not here.”

Vax lay his forehead on Gilmore’s shoulder as the guilt started to creep back in. “I suppose I’d better stay then.” 

Gilmore stroked his back, the warmth of his open palm uncoiling sore muscles in Vax’s back. “Do as you will, my love. The decision is yours to make.” 

“Then I choose to stay,” Vax said. “For tonight.”

“For tonight,” Gilmore nodded, rubbing his bearded cheek against Vax’s jaw in a way that made Vax feel he’d been claimed. In a good way. 

They sat together in silence, Gilmore twisting a strand of Vax’s hair around one finger, wistful. “We’ll be leaving again before the week is done, I think,” Vax told him. 

“I know,” Gilmore said. “But for now.” He scooped Vax up in his arms as he stood. “You are mine again.” 

Vax hated the impermanence of it. It didn’t feel honest. “At least for tonight,” he said. 

“Then I’ll have tonight,” Gilmore replied, laying Vax down on the large four poster bed as though he were the most precious thing in the world. It felt odd to Vax. Usually he was the one doing the worshiping. 

A soft clink and shift of the fabric beneath Vax momentarily drew his attention. How had he only just noticed the bed was strewn with gold coins? They were all sizes and widths, stamped with faces and symbols of every culture under the sun, and some long lost to time. _A bed of gold coins?_ he thought. _Vex’ahlia would lose her mind_. But somehow it seemed to suit Gilmore. 

Vax held his arms out for Gilmore, needing to feel him close. He didn’t think his body could manage much after the ordeal with the Briarwoods, but Vax wanted at the very least to hold Gilmore and be held in turn. When Gilmore shed his robe and slid into bed beside him, Vax felt an effervescent warmth bubble up from his solar plexus. He wanted this. 

They spent the night in one another’s arms, long comfortable silences peppered with whispers of sweet nothings and gentle kisses until Vax drifted to sleep, his cheek pillowed on Gilmore’s hairy chest. He didn’t think he’d ever slept so soundly.

When Vax awoke, he was alone. In Gilmore’s bedroom--so it hadn’t been a dream. But as he gathered his clothes, Vax looked around, confused. Where was the hearth? The small table? The brass tea set with its intricate scrollwork? 

Still uncertain if what he’d experienced had been a dream, Vax wandered out into the shop, a little embarrassed to be emerging from Gilmore’s bedroom alone in front of witnesses. Thankfully, Sherri pretended not to see him, and the few patrons who were currently in the store just looked confused. Vax left before anyone could ask questions. 

Walking back to the upper slums of Emon, he resumed his stakeout of the butcher shop. As he settled in, Vax felt something poking him from inside his cloak, and reached in to withdraw a letter. It had been tucked into one of his secret pockets. 

_Dearest,_

_I have work to do, as do you. Take care with yourself, or I may not forgive you next time. Your will is once more your own. Come back to me...or do not; just as you feel. I live and die upon your desire. Should you ever have need of me, you have but to call_

_~Gilmore_

Vax felt warmed both by the words and the memory of sleeping safe in the cocoon of Gilmore’s arms. He held the note in his palm until it grew too dark to read. It was hard not to think with so much time spent watching, but Vax did his best. 

When he returned to the keep, it was time to leave for Whitestone. He tucked the letter back into its secret pocket, keeping it close to his heart. Vax had the feeling he might want to read it again later.

**Author's Note:**

> Consequences & Cows, kids. I am here for all cow-related wordplay.


End file.
